Grim Reaper is new Pakistani Prime Minister

I would just like to thank everyone who helped get me here. You never know where you might find me next!

--Grimmy

Horrible Embarrassment Unearthed

Cheesemeister's Diary from Age 13 Found
by Kizz Myass

Much to the dismay of the now nearly 43-year-old Cheesemeister, the diary she thought she'd buried well enough to never be discovered has been unearthed. Not only are there shocking disclosures of early drug and alcohol use (no wonder the Cheesemeister's brain is fried!) but more than a few pages of the diary were dedicated to drooling over the teen idols of the day. A polite and mature Shaun Cassidy, who is now the producer of the spooky series "American Gothic," said that he was flattered to have been thought of as "sexy" and a "honey." Scott Baio, however, who is about the same age as the Cheesemeister, and, judging by his behavior on his VH-1 reality shows, has not matured at all emotionally since he was 13, was "ready to rock and roll" when he heard that the manager for a major rock band thought he was hot when she was 13. Scott hurriedly dived down a nearby manhole to the Netherworld so he could get this "high-powered, high-rolling foxy lady" under the mistletoe. I'm not sure what Scott's reaction was when he discovered that after the Cheesmeister's recent dream where she kissed him she woke up, rolled her eyes and said "oh GAWD! That would have been a real thrill when I was 13 but now he is so NOT my type!" The reason I'm unsure of Scott's reaction is because everything that comes out of his mouth sounds like he's talking through marbles. You see, he's been boozing with Death Cheese since his arrival on the 24th. And the party isn't over yet! They aren't planning on stopping until January 2.

Just wait and see what transpires...

Kizz Myass

It's Just Not Paris Hilton's Day

Paris Hilton, Veruca Salt = Two of a Kind

by Filthy Fred

Just as Veruca Salt offended the Oompa Loompas 30 years ago in Willy Wonka's Satanic chocolate factory, (which, in case you haven't figued it out yet, is actually located right here in the Netherworld) Paris Hilton offended a group of Russian dwarves who were dressed as Smurfs for a play 10 days ago. The demanding debutante began talking to the little folk as if they were pets and saying that she always wanted a Smurf, and could she take one home. One of the little fellows, a true Curmudgeon, went off on the 26-year-old mega-brat.

Apparently Paris' behavior has also offended her mega-rich grandpappy, who is now leaving 97% of his 2.3 billion dollar fortune to charity rather than to his family.

Gosh--poor Paris. All the misfortune she's suffered recently makes me want to toss her a pity schtoink!

Filthy Fred

Quinn Eye for the Netherworld Guy

Netherworld Fashion Horrors

by Quinn Morgendorffer

Nosferatu crept to the back door of the Netherworld Hotel. His badly outmoded clothes from, like, two centuries ago were soooo tacky, but, like, his boyfriend Wolfie, who is a werewolf, was too tasteless to care about how totally out of date Nossy's fashions are. Wolfie's clothes are always all torn up and stuff so he can show off his really hairy chest while he's onstage with Death Cheese, and that really turns Nosferatu on. EEEEWWWWW!!!! I guess the good thing about them being gay is that they can't, like, have a baby or something. Because imagine how ugly it would be! Mother Nature really knows best, but, like, Dr. Schitz usually finds a way to get around natural laws with his gene splicing in his icky old laboratory where my geeky sister Daria works with him and his wife, Nurse Violent.
While some people were wishing for peace on Earth I was wishing that all these fashion disasters I talked about in this article would GET A CLUE and come up into the 21st century. Their clothes are all, so, like, last millennium! Or two millenniums ago, in SOME vampire's cases!

Quinn Morgendorffer

This article also appears in the Indeterminacy Times Magazine too.

~Q!~

PANSI'S Editorial

Superstar Gymnast Thanks Fans, Lambastes Incompetent Cheesemeister

First of all I want to thank EVRY BODDY who ansered my URJENT call for present's! No thank's to the incompotent's of the CHEESE MISTRESS I will at leest get a littel some thing on our savior's BIRTH DAY!!!! All so dont forget the up comming HOLLY DAY perfomanse staring ME!!!!

It is neerly the anna worsery of my first yeer in the Never World. When I agread to come heer I thout I was going to NEVER LAND to be with Peter Pan!!! Of coarse it was shear meaness on Mrs. Weirdso's part to trick me that way and make me agree to be sent hear to this heething place!!!! To make mater's even more blast feemus, on our LORD'S birth day, Axe Man will be filming his heething show with all those SLUTS!!! Of coarse I meen that in a Christinane way. And that creapy Lord Iffy who dresses in ladie's under ware will be there. I no that he is Reverend Jimmy's cousin, but he must be the bad appel in that family barel!!! Lord Iffy ackshualy axsed me if I was going to bee on his Un-Christinane show where he will be looking for some one desperite enuff to go to bed with him. AS IF!!!!!! I would have Reverend Jimmy open a can of Woop Ass on him, but I guess that wouldent be Christinane.

Just so I don't turn into a Scrouge, I will keep my thouts as happy as I can by thinking of the present's under my tree. Thank you JESUS!!!! And Marry Christmas Every One who left me a gift!

xxxooo,

PANSI!!!!

New Dessert at Dirty Sanchez Bakery

You Are Cheesecake

Rich, sweet, and simply perfect. You're not boring - you're just the best!

What Dessert Are You Most Like?

Dirty Sanchez is pleased to introduce Cheesemeister Cheesecake for the holidays, named in honor of The Cheesemeister. This is NOT the dessert that Steak Thru The Heart was planning in The Cheesemeister's honor, which would have contained actual Cheesemeister. I will also be serving this fine dessert at my cafe. Thanks, Dirty!
--Nervous Norvis

Crappy Times Short Shorts for December

Crappy Times Short Shorts
by Ivanna B. Ilona

The symbiotic coupling of The Cheesemeister and The Spooky Guy may or may not be bad for the universe, depending on what you think of their writing.
















Mini Spooky

The Ani-Freaky Cheesemeister Doppelganger from Mthura

But the joining of Mini-Spooky and the Ani-Freaky Cheesemeister is definitely dynamite. Or at least that's what this destructive pair has been using to destroy Netherworld monuments. The gruesome twosome was spotted at Mephistopholes Museum destroying objects d'art, such as the nude painting of Oriax, a grand marquis of the Netherworld. Later the pair met with Billy the Concierge and ransacked Tartarus. There's going to be Hell to pay when they're caught!

The Spooky Guy says that worse yet, when he went to lie down for a nap he found them in his bed, doing "things that cannot be mentioned even in impolite company. It was horrible! Some things should never be seen unclothed and those are two things that fit this category."

King Smut, however, seems to have other ideas and unlike the Cheesemeister and Spooky Guy, Mini-Spooky and Ani-Freaky have no shame in their game. They inspired the new Smut video series, Ultra Freaky Mutant Sex. Which is something that I personally will go out of my way NEVER to see!

Gold digging Romanian slags Magdalena and Stela are all about the Lord Iffy Boatrace family jewels

Ever since the rumor was leaked about the upcoming FOGNL reality show "Who Will Shag Lord Iffy," which is slated to run when The Flavor of Axe is finished, women have been lining up to be the first to plunder the Laird's treasure. Recently undead wenches Magdalena and Stela were no exception. The pair of social climbers had an unfortunate fall from the cruise ship Minca-Mi-Ai Căcatu' when they were pushed overboard by "a peculiar little wooden puppet with long hair and a spooky look on its horrible face." All the costume jewelry they were wearing at the time caused them to sink straight to Davy Jones Locker. They seem to have adjusted quite wellto unlife in the Netherworld and are looking forward to getting to know Lord Iffy better. Boy, the joke will be on them when they find out he doesn't actually have any money, just a title and an old mansion that's falling apart! And he'll probably steal their underwear to boot.

Those girls really remind me of somebody. Who could it be? Let me think a minute...








Sweetheart Cinderella's ill-mannered and not so pretty stepsisters, Anastasia and Drizella

Ah yes, that's right--Cinderella's stepsisters, the original mean girls, Anastasia and Drizella. And guess what, Darlings? They will be competing for Lord Iffy's affections too! Looks like Drizella is ready to go to bat fo Lord Iffy--or at least bash in some heads with that stick she's carrying.

And last but not least, rumor has it that King Smut's biggest star Sexy Sadie will be vying for first crack at Lord Iffy's trouser snake too. That's a whole lotta lovin' all right!

Well, that's all the scandal for now. Hope it filled the bill for you gossip-hungry fiends!

Kiss kiss,

Ivanna

The Snark Recap

The MSN Headlines, Recapped by a Curmudgeon

by Pat Head

Talk about snail mail:
Holiday card arrives 93 years late.
The late Mrs. Ethel Martin of Oberlin, Kansas didn't receive the card in her lifetime. But her surviving sister in law Bernice has it. Bernice is probably hoping that the evil fruitcake that is making its rounds to her house this year becomes similarly lost in transit.

Gruesome Gossip:

Who's Mary Kate's New Make-Out Man?

It's disturbing for me to imagine Mary Kate or Ashley making out with anybody. Not because they're the "adorable twins" from Full House (a show which personally made me go into a diabetic coma from sweetness overload) but because they are, in fact, satanic Precious Moments figurines.

A day that lives in infamy for English teachers:

The "w0rd" w00t is declared Merriam-Webster's word of the year.

Netherworld High English teachers I. B. Jivin and Kuzzin Itt thought it would be enjoyable to burn Merriam and Webster in effigy. Miskatonic University English professors Quagmire Toadstool and Fulton Femur took things one step further, digging up the bodies of Merriam and Webster and burning them.

Netherworld Ambulance Medics make the news!

Our ambulance crew is in the news!

Check out the first entry, Sell Drugs at Work. We just know that has to be Netherworld paramedic Cokey LeSnort. Check out the second entry, Use Drugs at Work. That's got to be Netherworld EMT Speedy McLude.

Prison Sports

Animal Rights antithesis Michael Vick wants to play football while in prison.

We think it would be appropriate for him to be cornholed by a pit bull.

Speaking of Jerks...

Will Barry Bonds get off scot-free for steroid use, and keep his hall of fame status?

While not the dirtbag that Vick is, we think that Barry deserves to win at least runner-up for Athletic Asshole of the Year.

Pat Head

Enditall's Game

Click here to play my game, me pretties!

Wizards In Love

Gandalf was spellbound by Dumbledore's wisdom. Was he also spellbound by Dumbledore?

Dumbledore says he has utmost respect for Gandalf's skills. But is he just talking about the Middle Earther's mystic abilities?

Are Dumbledore and Gandalf Making Magic Together?
by Ugly Grace

I'm not one to start rumors, but if the ones I've been hearing about Dumbledore and Gandalf are true, I say, go for it, fellows! They really are the cutest couple! And they complement each other so very well.

Ever since Dumbledore's biographer J.K. Rowling outed the retired Hogwarts headmaster and the truth about Gandalf and Saruman's ugly breakup became public knowledge, all sorts of speculation has been flying about the magic-makers. From Dumbledore's supposed tryst with Evil Ed (please! Ed is centuries too young for Dumbledore and I don't think Big D goes for vampires anyway) and the supposed spotting of Gandalf grinding groins with the he-skanks at the Wiggly Wee Wee (as if! Gandalf has way too much class for that dive!) tongues have been wagging about the two spellbinding gents. I for one refused to believe it. But when I saw Dumbledore and Gandalf together it was pure magic! You go, guys! Don't let those ridiculous rumors get you down. Everybody deserves to find love, and if it happens in the twilight of your life or unlife or whatever wizards have, more power to you! I just love a romantic story with a happy ending. Like Wolfie and Nosferatu, or the Alien Guy and the Dog Faced Girl. I could sure do with a lot less of Arsewipe and Dewey Banjer, though. Every time I hear about that loathsome pair of pig fuckers, I just want to hurl!

Ugly Grace